


You Always Mattered To Me

by oakleyfraser4



Series: John Murphy & Emori's Forever [9]
Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Loss of Control, Near Death Experiences, Pain, The Dying Of The Light (The 100)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-25
Updated: 2020-09-25
Packaged: 2021-03-07 20:48:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,372
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26643991
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/oakleyfraser4/pseuds/oakleyfraser4
Summary: "She had been right there, practically within arms reach of him. And then she wasn’t."A John Murphy thoughts fic in accordance to the events of 7x15 "The Dying Of The Light"(Rated T for language and certain content aspects. Read with caution if potential death and loss upset you)*MAJOR SPOILERS for 7x15. You have been warned*
Relationships: Emori/John Murphy (The 100)
Series: John Murphy & Emori's Forever [9]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1760818
Comments: 12
Kudos: 19





	You Always Mattered To Me

**Author's Note:**

> Well here I am.
> 
> If you don't know me very well, I cope by writing. I cope with all my bottled up emotions by writing blurbs or full one-shots like this in order to "creatively" express my feelings.
> 
> After 7x15 aired and us Memori stans were left with the sinking feeling of "is Emori going to make it? Will Murphy make it? Will Memori get a happy ending?" I knew I had to write (just gotta say that their short 1-2 seconds in the 7x16 promo is scaring me but I want to have hope for them) a Memori one-shot. I had to also acknowledge those damn cute things Murphy and Emori said to each other this episode; what Murphy said to Emori especially.
> 
> I set out to write a small blurb, maybe 500-800 words. Then I kept going and in conclusion, apparently Oakley cannot write a short fic. Welcome to 2.3k of Murphy losing it over the fact Emori might die. It's angsty but it's all my pent up feelings. Not super confident about this one because it's the first fic I've sworn in so explicitly. But again, it's Murphy about to potentially lose the love of his life. So I feel like swearing is inevitable.

The last thing he remembers is running for her, panic lighting up both their gazes. He had followed her out of the tech room, concerned by the way her face had changed in a millisecond. She was at the end of the hall listening intently. When he called out to her, it took only a minute, before there they were, running towards each other. Her moving away from the coming collapse of thunder; him towards it, wanting to protect the one person in the world he loved unconditionally.

It’s a short moment later, when he comes to. His head is pounding, his vision disoriented. But that doesn’t stop him from pushing himself up to a standing position. With his vision fuzzy, it’s a miracle Murphy can resister anything at all. Turning around, he shouts Emori’s name, a desperate call. No one is around, and looking at the mess of rubble behind him heels no pain. Emori is trapped beneath what used to be the ceiling. Her status-dead, alive, or worse, fatally wounded-unknown.

Before Murphy can call for her again, Jackson comes around the corner with Raven. They worry over him, yet what does his life matter when he doesn’t even know if Emori still has hers? He fends off Jackson’s concussion tests and screams for the one person in his life who he truly cares about.

Murphy hears her, deep beneath the pile of wreckage. To see her face, despite the smears of blood, is more than enough to make him teary and silently thank whoever is keeping Emori alive with him. It’s only when he peers closer, and spots the metal pole sticking into her stomach. His own stomach turns and knots violently; his words are lost as he stares. She’s not fucking fine. She’s impaled. She needs help. But where the hell are they going to get help in a collapse bunker? It feels impossible.

Jackson gets a saw and manages to cut the twisted metal pole protruding from Emori. He cuts it enough so that they can squeeze her out of the hole she was secluded in. Murphy holds her hand in his as she groans, face contorting in pain. His heart is thumping against his chest. He wishes it was him impaled instead of her. A life for a life. Spare hers for his. If only it was that simple.

_ It’s over, it’s over, it’s over, it’s over. _

Moving her took a toll on her leg, her pain tolerance and Murphy’s ability to watch Emori in pain without crying out himself. He tells her it’s over to reassure her, to make her feel anything but what she feels right now. He worries endlessly for her, and he can feel her fear. The thing about his girl, is that she doesn’t express fear and pain easily. It’s a bottled up emotion for her. He knows it’s bad when she’s fighting back tears, sweat pouring off her scuffed up face and looking at him with absolute terror in her eyes. When Jackson tells them that Emori’s wound needs to be cauterized, the change in Emori’s expression makes Murphy’s heart jump into his throat. Jackson asks him to hold his hand over Emori’s wound, and he does so with shaking hands. Though he makes sure he applies the pressure needed. It’s been a while since they’ve been stuck in a life or death situation such as this, when it came down to the healing of a physical injury and not the threat of their lives. That had happened more times that he could count on two hands. However he and Emori were survivors; those situations just required wit and a few lucky scrapes. Now, all depended on Emori’s strength as a person, and he didn’t know if she’d pull through. He needed her to, for if she didn’t there’d be nothing left for him to fight for.

_ How about you distract me? _

Emori’s plea echoes into his thoughts. He choses to push past his hurt for her, his desperate want to take away all her pain, and instead wipes his brow, attempting to brush the tears he knows are forming at the corners of his eyes. He tells her sweet nothings, things that only she will understand. Words of them being happy, playing primes. Emori, always one to catch his bluff, tries to smile and call him on it. Sure, playing primes wasn’t ideal. But Emori loved it and that was good enough for him.

She tells him that being a prime was the first time she felt that she mattered. Her statement was as far from the truth as possible. To him, she was his world. If someone tried to destroy his only meaning of happiness, then they’d be sorry. They’d find themselves in just as much pain as they’d put Emori through. She mattered to him. She more than mattered, for she fucking owned him. The world could fall apart around them, leaving nothing in their surroundings. As long as Murphy and Emori were together and had each other, nothing else mattered. Their lives could be as shit as imaginable, but as long as his sweet girl was curled up against him at night, that was all that mattered. She was all that mattered. 

_ That’s not true. That’s not true. You’ve always mattered to me. _

It’s then that Jackson brings over the searing hot metal. The blazing orange stick that will be pressed up against Emori’s leg. Jackson explains what will happen and Murphy does his best to listen. He looks at Emori, and she looks back at him. He’s used to seeing her clear brown gaze at night in the depths of their fluffy blankets or looming over him as she presses a kiss to his lips, his arms wrapping her in a warm embrace. This moment is nothing of the sort, although just as powerful. It shocks his core, the way she can make him fall apart, whether that be from ecstasy in a theory of passion or the way her body is tense with pain. Murphy’s soul is being crushed and she can see it in his eyes as he looks to reassure her.

The metal touches her leg and she cries out, screaming. Tears leak from the corner of Murphy’s eyes, as he attempts to hold it together. He needs to be together for her. He will always try not to fall apart when she is near. Murphy is more the type of person to throw his emotions into a physical activity. Something where his body has to fight for control. His physical mastery is much better than that of his mental capabilities. This is something Murphy knows. Emori does too, which is why she’s always been the more logical one of their pairing. Though when it comes to pain, mental stability is a concept full of ambiguity.

A mess of blurred movements and unfocused attention ensues. There’s chaos as they begin to tear apart the rec room, looking for a place the stone could be kept hidden. It’s Emori’s only chance and Murphy isn’t going to fuck it up. He needs this small piece of hope, this grace for him to work for.

Walls bare, it seems as though this stone is nowhere. Until he and Raven make eye contact but it’s Raven who moves first, a motion explaining everything. Murphy and Jackson push the piano away. An Azgeda symbol marks the floor; Murphy places his hand over top, almost as if he wishes the stone would jump up from the floor and make their lives all a lot easier. Life wasn’t that nice though, and before much could be said, Emori calls for him again. Calls to talk about Echo, about him not being worried enough about her. Emori hadn’t always been so selfless. Murphy can remember many times when they did things they now regret to save their own asses. Except here she is, moments after having her wound cauterized with no anesthesia, a metal rod sticking out of her abdomen and she’s asking about someone-fucking-else.

_ You are more important than any other person in this universe. _

He says those words with as much meaning and raw emotion as he can muster. Yeah, he just told her that she was all that mattered. For fucks sake, he meant it and he meant it good. No one else mattered, again. It was just her. If everyone in the universe, dead or alive, lined up in front of them and he could choose one person to survive with him, it would be her. He’d choose her blindly. Earth, this solar system, Planet Alpha, anywhere. She was more important than anyone.

Raven hands him a sledgehammer and he takes it. A weapon to the battlefield in the fight for Emori’s life. He glances over at Emori, lying on the infirmary’s gurney, Jackson making sure she’ll be okay. He can’t say he fully trusts Jackson, though their understanding of keeping Emori alive is enough for Murphy to break apart the floor and leave his girl in hands other than his own. Clearly when they’re left alone, chaos ensues and ceilings collapse. He will never forget about that.

Murphy makes the first strike into the solid concrete. It cracks, and along with it goes his heart, breaking in pieces. If this is what love makes you feel, hell, he’d take it. Just give Emori’s life another chance. He wanted to scream. Instead, he would dig.

Digging takes a toll on his stamina. It’s strenuous work, but Raven and Jackson know Murphy would do it over and over again if it meant Emori had a chance. They needed to get to Sanctum, Jackson keeps reiterating the fact. Emori needs them to get to Sanctum. Murphy pushes through his pain, unable to imagine what Emori’s feeling right now. Probably much worse than his headache. His needs can wait.

_ She-she’s not breathing _ . 

He stands there, immobilized. He cannot imagine a life without Emori. He cannot comprehend. Murphy is currently the definition of shell-shocked. His life crashes down around him. He isn’t himself. He’s somewhere else and not hurting like this. Nothing makes sense. He saw Hell once, but this is worse. This is a place where he never imagined he’d be. In life, it was alway Murphy throwing himself in the path of danger. Emori was the one to rescue him, again and again and again. But this time, it was her life on the line.

He almost lost her twice before this moment. Once, it was because he had gone along with her lie about an intruder’s identity. At the time, he believed what she was doing was right. A survivor’s move. He would stand by Emori’s choices until the bitter end, because he loved her. As he screamed at Clarke, begging for her life. He knew he loved her then. The second time was due to his stupidity and false pride. A wrong choice, he knew now. Maybe though, their break was good. It allowed them to come back together, stronger than ever. Shit, they were even engaged. He remembers being down on one knee asking her to love him forever. This wasn’t the forever he imagined. They still needed their forever. Murphy wasn’t going to settle for this forever.

Jackson rushes to her aid. His girl’s side; Emori’s side. Trying to save the only person he ever truly cared about. He would fight for his friends. But in the end, it was her who decided if he lived or died. He knew he couldn’t live without her. He didn’t want to think about a possible future without Emori. No, he won’t. He can’t. He-

The most updated news hits him. She has a chance. She isn’t dead yet. And with that inkling of hope, as he is unsure if miracles or destiny exist but prays that they both do for Emori’s sake, he pounds his hammer into the concrete. Again and again. Digging to save her. He throws himself into the motions, ignoring the pain in his hands, his back, his shoulders. Murphy dulls the pain throbbing in his head and doesn’t pay attention to anything but bashing the concrete beneath his feet. 

_ Thank you. _

It’s funny. Murphy never thought he’d be able to fully forgive Jackson, for it was the doctor himself who worked with Abby against Murphy and Emori during the nightblood test back before Praimfaya hit. Then Murphy was partially the reason Abby got herself killed and he didn’t think Jackson would ever forgive him about that. Emori’s life ebbing away brought them together, on the same side. Jackson was never doing it for Murphy, no he was doing it for Emori. He was doing it so that no one else had to die. Enough of them would be alone at the end of The Last War. If Jackson was going to stop the war, he’d do it by saving a life who may not mean much to Cadogan, but everything to Murphy.

She had been right there at the end of the hall, practically within arms reach of him. And then she wasn’t. A fucking ceiling tore between him and his future. Him and the light of his life. The only reason he had to live. That light was slowly dying, making the unknown tunnel to his future bleak and dark.

Now, Murphy was fighting for not just her life, but his own. Without her he was nothing because she was all that mattered. As they transport through the Anomaly to Sanctum, Murphy tells himself that if Emori overcomes this, he will never ask for another favour again. She is all that he needs and together, they can withstand anything. Love hurts, but deep love, true love, never breaks. Murphy never used to believe in love, nevertheless, his opinion has changed over the years. Rooted deep in his soul is the heart; the most intense part of his being. His heart told him that love was the answer.

As he glances downwards at Emori who’s blood circulation to the heart is failing, he believes that maybe this time, for him and her, love will fix them.

It’s all he has to go on. 

**Author's Note:**

> I can't believe that The 100 is over in less than a week. I don't want to think about losing my favourite couple in all the world...so I won't. I'll just keep writing fanfics and in my fanfics they will live on.
> 
> Anyways, hope you liked this. Leave a comment if you can :)
> 
> I'm always down to talk on [Instagram](https://www.instagram.com/memoriisendgame/) or [Tumblr](https://memoriisendgame.tumblr.com) whenever you want. Thank you for reading!


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